I’ve been absurdly obsessed with my weight lately. I didn’t know to which extent until today.
Around noon we decided to go out and catch a movie. We took the nearest metro, and all through the ride I felt “odd” then it ended with the hollowness that usually leads to me passing out. Passing out usually happens in stages for me, I first get tunnel vision and at the same time a slight ringing in my ear, that is then followed by an inability to speak or comprehend what on earth is going on, then flat out black out. It ain’t pretty, thus at the first indication I sat on the floor and asked Rakan to get me some orange juice. I drank it, felt better and convinced Rakan that I’m fine and that we should head out to the gate. I was fine all the way there; it’s about a 5 minute walk from the station. As soon as we queued to get tickets, I started to feel it again and opted to hold Rakan from behind until it passes. Bad idea, the last thing I know I’m on my knees and Rakan is freaking out. He takes me to a chair close by and he goes off to get me chocolate, I take a bite, feel better, but we decided to take a taxi home. As soon as I move I get dizzy again, juice usually does the trick for me and picks me right up, but today nothing is working. By now, Rakan is beyond freaking out and sits me on the floor and asks me one question after another. I do not comprehend what he’s saying to me then I start crying. Frankly, I was freaking out too, my “pass out sessions” never last this long, yet that one didn’t seem to end. Twenty minutes later we are home, and that’s when Rakan gets furious and tells me he won’t let me be on this diet. My reaction: Hysterically crying, I’ve never seen myself cry this way, and telling him, actually begging him to let me go on with it since I desperately want to be thin and eating more will only make me feel fat.
Most of you might think Rakan has gone too far by “telling” me not to continue with that diet, but I highly respect him and knew he must have a point. So, as I lay in the couch I realized my meal(s) for the day was a single banana. I was surviving on less than a 100 calories a day. I eat once a day, an hour after I exercise, a fruit.
Lately nothing is more satisfying than the emptiness of my stomach.